Project Runaway

British novelist Anthony Burgess writes that eating durian is “like eating sweet raspberry blancmange in the lavatory.”

definition of blancmange: sweet almond-flavored milk pudding thickened with gelatin or cornstarch; usually molded

Chef Andrew Zimmern compares the taste to “completely rotten, mushy onions.”

Anthony Bourdain, while a lover of durian, relates his encounter with the fruit as thus: “Its taste can only be described as…indescribable, something you will either love or despise. …Your breath will smell as if you’d been French-kissing your dead grandmother.”

(All these quotes blatantly cut and pasted from Wikipedia)

Durian

So why the hell would we ever taste it you may ask yourselves? I myself had hoped to stay one step ahead of it and never have to prove my mettle by trying it. Trial by stink and all that. But here we were on the island of Pangkor and our Malay hosts had set themselves upon the task of ensuring we were culturally enriched by feeding us every Malay dish out there.

We were called out to the pool the second day we were there to see the owner’s wife at the picnic table cutting open what appeared to be big prickly fruit. Christ, pardon my French, it was Durian. There was no where to run and hide. The boys were immediately gung-ho. The stuff those two are willing to eat always boggles my mind.

The Initiation

I may be squeamish, and you all know what my sense of smell is like, but my sense of honour and not wanting to insult the hosts prevailed. We all tried it and we all experienced something different so here are all our perspectives:

Luc  – On the smell: “sweet and garlicky, doesn’t smell that bad it is just a weird smell” On the taste: ” rotten garlic mixed with a pound of sugar”

Nicole – On the smell: “like a dead animal”  On the taste: “sweet and garlicky, nasty, taste worse than it smells, can taste it all day, disgusting”

Dwayne -On the smell: “Smells like roadkill” On the taste: “Creamy caramel custard with garlic”

Me – On the smell: “sickeningly sweet and putrid at the same time, like something slowly decomposing, takes your breath away” On the taste: “it was creamy and gooey like over moist bread dough, the taste to me much like its smell, sort of rancid with a hint of almond extract, truly disgusting”

Sick Puppy

And yes, you do taste it all day as even the smallest amount causes lovely durian belches. Oh so pleasant.

But you think the tale ends there, don’t you? Well, on our last day the owner, Captain Shari, volunteers to drive me into the village to the ATM. He says to bring the whole gang as he is going to take us to the Chinese Temple to see the huge Dragonfish they have in the pond.

What he doesn’t tell us is that he has a surprise. You see, Dwayne was a bit too willing and enthusiastic about the Durian and next to the temple is a, you guessed it, durian plantation. We stroll to 2 men in deck chairs sleepily eating durian. There is a huge mound of empty shells next to them. They seemed drugged on it, and for a moment I had to check myself that we were not at an opium den. The Captain says this is where the best durian is and buys Dwayne his own entire durian. As Luc, Nicole, and I were not so enthusiastic we were able to gratefully be exempt.

That's what you get for being a keener

I look into Dwayne’s eyes and see he is resigned to his fate. There is no graceful way to escape the durian sitting in front of him. As his faithful and loyal wife, I can’t help but giggle and smirk and take pictures a safe distance away.